Yesterday I learned where "tough girl" came from.
I keep having dreams where I'm wearing a cape. Per Google, "To see or dream that you are wearing a cape implies that you don’t want to expose your feelings or emotions to others. You have a fear of allowing people too close to you."
Ouch. Wow. Re...really?
Whoa.
I have been disappointed by others my whole life to the point where I feel like I can't rely on people. Asking people for help is akin to pulling my own teeth with pliers. I feel like and have always felt like I have something to prove to everyone including myself - fuck off I can do it by myself and I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP. I can wrestle this alligator by myself and walk away feeling powerful.
See! I wrestled the alligator!! What now bitches!!
And nobody is impressed. Ever.
I've developed the "tough girl" personality to keep myself from having to be vulnerable. To me being vulnerable means being powerless, weak, and is humiliating. So I instead become brash, tough, loud and emotionally unavailable.
So now that I have this information, what do I do with it? I guess that's the next stage of my journey.
The process of learning about myself has been enlightening, difficult, and emotionally exhausting, but I wouldn't change a thing about the way I've had to do it. Self-examination isn't pretty nor comfortable, however hard work pays off and I'm in a good place.
A completely different person.
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